the mental load
“Just because I can carry it, doesn’t mean the load isn’t heavy.”
When this meme popped up on my Instagram feed a few years ago, it brought me to tears. It still does sometimes, because it hits very close to home. In a few words, that sentence really says “I am overwhelmed. So overwhelmed I am buckling under the weight. Can anybody see me? Does anyone care? Does anyone even appreciate the weight I am carrying so everyone else doesn’t have to?”
To me, this summarizes being a female, particularly a mom. And this is reflective of my own experience, as well as several female clients who have sat across from me trying to figure out why their health has begun breaking down in their 30s and 40s.
My own wheels fell off at 36, when I was diagnosed with perpetual UTIs, asthma, and vestibular problems. The dizziness was the worst. I was convinced that I had a brain tumor, but I did not want to upset my husband and three small children by finding out. So I kept going at 100% while simultaneously having 50 mini-panic attacks a day. (This was not the path to better health, I promise you that.)
Fast forward to 2018 when I began working as a functional medicine health coach. Patients at the practice I worked at were 95% women. During intakes, the same scenarios kept popping up. Patients would come in, frustrated at their low energy and poor health, upset that their bodies just wouldn’t cooperate anymore. They were looking for a miracle cure to get them back to 100% so they could continue to be of service to their employers, families and community.
Like an overdrawn bank account, they had nothing left to give.
So why does this happen to women?
In ancient times, men were the “hunter-gatherers” and women took care of everything else. Beyond women also becoming “hunter-gatherers” in the workplace in recent years, has anything changed? There are many men today trying to become more evolved, to help with the home and children, but it does not come as naturally to them. There, I said it.
Which leads to the “mental load.”
For women with children, the “mental load” looks something like this:
5:15 a.m.: “I should work out, but that won’t leave me enough time to feed the cats, make breakfast, pack lunches and get everyone out the door. Son #2 needs $5 to take to school. Did I fill out the permission slip? Wait, is the orthodontist appointment today?”
7:15 a.m.: “Oh no, son #1 forgot his trumpet. I better run it up to the school. Why didn’t I empty the dishwasher last night? Damn. Maybe I can get a load of laundry in the wash before I go to work. I better refill the toilet paper before I go.”
Noon: Eats half-ass lunch because she ran out of time after packing everyone else’s. Checks phone/email for messages from school. Calls the pest control guy to handle the mice in the basement .
2:30 p.m.: Picks up kids from school, gets after-school snack ready before dropping son #1 off at practice while taking daughter to the orthodontist. “If there is enough time, maybe I can make a quick run through Walmart before pick-up. Oh, damn, I need to get presents for the birthday parties this weekend.”
5 p.m.: “Crap, what am I making for dinner? Sure, I can help with your homework. The dog threw up where? What time is the meeting tonight?”
And…you get the gist. Our brains are firing on all cylinders, in a frenzy of chaotic multitasking. Literally until we fall asleep. Men, they just don’t operate the same way when it comes to home and family. “Dinner? I’ll just have cereal!” or “Who cares about the permission forms? The school can call me if they have a problem with it being late.”
I had a long conversation one time with female friends about their husbands leaving the house with the kitchen a mess. We all agreed, we just couldn’t do it. We would rather be late than leave a sticky mess to clean up later.
Men and women are wired differently. Having two daughters and one son, I saw it with them and with their friend groups. Boys…let’s just say for the most part they were focused on fun. As for girls, I can point to one moment that really stood out. I took my 10-year-old Girl Scouts on a camping trip where they were given bunk beds in a cabin. The girls brought soft bedding and throw blankets, stuffed animals, even scented room sprays. They created an inviting “home away from home.” The nesting hormones were strong, even at such a young age.
It is maybe because we are so competent that more and more responsibility falls on us. The “wife” is expected to manage the home, children, extended family and social obligations in addition to her job. If my brothers would just show up at a family gathering (that I was usually hosting), my parents would be thrilled.
So with this neverending “mental load” and slew of obligations, when does a woman get a break? Probably never. I saw a meme one time, saying that a vacation for a mom just means doing the same tasks at a different location. It is a common theme among my female clients, that there is just no time or money left to do things just for them. They consider things like hair appointments, going to the gym or going shopping luxuries that are self-indulgent and unnecessary.
And here is the thing: in terms of health, keeping your body in a happy, calm state is ideal. Activation of the sympathetic nervous system (“fight or flight”) leads to inflammation, which in turn activates underlying health issues. Which is why I believe this crisis for women happens in her late 30s-early 40s. These women usually have kids young enough to need constant care but old enough to have interests and activities that require time and transportation. They have carried the load at home for long enough that they are burned out, and yet there is no end in sight. Add fluctuating hormones and other underlying health issues into the mix and you have a perfect storm.
As a health coach, I tell women that the more things you do to make you feel happy and calm, the better you will feel. And if you get that feeling at the gym, or crafting, or going for coffee, you need to make time for it. It is not a luxury, it is necessary for health. A prescription, if you will. The airplane order to “Put on your own oxygen mask first” in the event of a problem are words to live by. Can you really be able to help others, when you can barely breathe yourself?
You cannot wait for the universe, or your family and friends, to give you a break. Trust me, it is not coming. So put the load down for a minute and treat yourself. You deserve it.
