Sensitive souls and chronic health issues
Several years ago, I was at lunch with my friend Linda and we were discussing how our mean relatives seemed to outlast the nice ones. The nastier they were, the longer they lived.
“That’s because they unload their burdens and toxicity on everyone else,” Linda said. “It’s the nice, sensitive people who absorb it and they die younger.”
She was onto something.
It was a few years later when an online article directed me to “The Empath’s Survival Guide” by Judith Orloff, a book that seemed to be written just for me. In fact, I had a nearly “perfect” score on the “Are You an Empath?” quiz. Questions included:
Have I ever been labeled overly sensitive, shy, or introverted?
Do noise, odors, or non stop talkers overwhelm me?
Do crowds drain me, and do I need time alone to revive myself?
Do I prefer taking my own car to places so that I can leave early if I need to?
I could not wait to show my husband, as it seemed to provide an explanation for the “quirky” behavior he had been witness to for several years of our relationship. It was vindicating for me, as it provided a quasi-diagnosis and a knowledge that I was not alone.
Orloff defines empaths as those who “have an extremely reactive neurological system. We don’t have the same filters that other people do to block out stimulation. As a consequence, we absorb into our own bodies both the positive and stressful energies around us.”
It turns out that I am far from alone as an empath. The book helped me to see empathic tendencies in others, and has been particularly helpful in my job as a functional medicine health coach. Because in my experience, the number of people with chronic, unrelenting health issues who are also empaths is nearly 100%.
That is a bold statement to make, but it is what I have seen personally. Those who absorb the energy around them, who are affected by others’ moods, who feel actual pain and stress from things they hear about, are highly susceptible to long-term health problems.
Physiologically, it makes sense. Feeling “alarm” activates the sympathetic nervous system, which controls the stress response. Have you ever heard bad news, and felt like you were punched in the stomach? That is due to the vagus nerve, which connects the brain to the heart, lungs, digestive system and bladder. If you are feeling stress and alarm frequently, your body moves into a state of chronic fight-or-flight, and healing cannot occur when the body’s sympathetic nervous system is activated.
Here is an example: a non-empath works as a nurse at a hospital, and is able to process and release witnessing emotionally taxing events, being berated by patients’ family members and higher-ups, and spending time in a highly stressful environment. The empath nurse feels the suffering of her patients and their loved ones; she is flustered by the constant activity and noise; and is haunted when she leaves by what she has seen on her shift. I worked with an anesthesiologist who felt crippling anxiety at the same time every day. I asked if this occurred because being “on-call” meant she was never really away from work. She said the anxiety was occurring regardless of location, and even on days when she was not on call. She eventually determined that it happened at the time when she usually made her rounds. It was at that time of the day that she was picking up everyone’s emotions and internalizing them.
“I don’t look at people as patients,” she said. “I see them as someone’s grandpa, as my grandpa.”
While this is a doctor that we would all love to have due to her compassion, day-to-day it was unsustainable for her. She was close to burning out in her 30s. I had another client who ran an architectural firm, and felt overwhelmed and exhausted by her employees’ personal dramas. One employee was being abused at home; another was stirring up trouble with other employees. She felt that she was a “mother hen” and their issues were upsetting and very distracting for her.
Empath issues are not limited to work. They can be as simple as feeling overwhelmed in a crowded airport; feeling upset after reading social media threads where people attack each other; and being alarmed by people arguing nearby. While some people love raucous parties and busy restaurants, they are enough to send an empath running for cover.
For children who are empaths, school can be a minefield of overstimulation for them. My daughter had a full-fledged meltdown every day after kindergarten, due to her teacher yelling loudly at a student named Phillip. While Phillip was apparently undaunted, Grace and several other children (and staff members, I was told) were reeling with stress.
Anytime there is a collection of people, and their energy, it can drain an empath. Being forced into high-intensity, stressful environments for long periods of time can negatively affect their health. What can empaths do to protect themselves?
Give yourself time to recover when you’ve been overstimulated. Most of the empaths I know and love need quiet time, preferably alone, to recoup their energy after they have been overstimulated.
Accept that this is who you are. There are people who thrive in crowds, becoming energized by other people. Empaths tend to be drained when around strong energy, even if it is positive. You may be able to keep up with highly energetic people but will likely hit a wall sooner than later. Your needs are just different.
Ideally, try to be around people who accept you. This is a tough one. Feeling drained and overwhelmed is not a rejection of a person or experience…but some people will take it that way. I had friends who wanted to go out to parties and bars frequently, and became annoyed when I would bow out to stay home. “It’s just Katie being Katie,” they would say. Like I was deliberately being difficult. But after a day of working with people, phones ringing and sitting in traffic, I did not want to go to a loud, crowded place. I really just couldn’t do it. My husband and I also had conflict early on, as he is highly social and someone who is energized by crowds. I would make myself go out but wanted to leave early, while he would like to “close down” the bars. We eventually agreed to disagree…he would go out with friends, and I would stay home and sew. (Yes, I did this in my 20s…one of my co-workers said my youth was wasted on me.) Or if we did go out together, we would agree beforehand on a time we would leave. Somehow this made things more bearable for me.
Orloff suggests stepping away from situations that are overwhelming. Literally, changing seats at a restaurant, leaving parties to go sit in your car, or just moving 20 feet or more away from the source of stress.
She also suggests limiting physical contact, which I agree with wholeheartedly. “Energy is transferred through the eyes and touch,” she said. “If you’re uncomfortable with someone, limit eye contact and touch, including hugs and holding hands.” “The kiss hello” and hugging distant relatives was something I feared and avoided as a child, and truthfully do not enjoy now. (One of my favorite “Seinfeld” episodes focuses on Jerry’s aversion to “the kiss hello.”)
Limiting time on your phone and computer may also help. Empaths used to be able to lock the doors, draw the shades and hunker down. With smartphones, people have constant access to you. There is no “safe” place as work, exes, and other sources of stress can get to you anywhere, anytime. In some cases, outright blocking people can be helpful, as you don’t have to worry about seeing something upsetting when you look at your phone. “Do not disturb” can also limit times when people can access you. The tools are there, don’t be afraid to use them.
Avoid “energy vampires.” Orloff notes that energy vampires are drawn to the kind, open hearts of empaths. She identifies seven types, which include narcissists; rage-aholics; victims; drama kings and queens; control freaks and critics; non-stop talkers; and passive-aggressive people. I think most empaths have dealt with all of the above at some point or another. Orloff suggests making a list of people who energize you, and those who drain you. “For those who must stay in your life, such as family members, decide which strategies to use and consistently implement them,” she advises. It is extremely important to protect yourself, as “energy vampires” tend to be self-centered and impervious to the duress they may be causing you.
Being an empath is not all bad. We are perceptive, intuitive and compassionate. Our ability to feel things makes others feel understood. Heightened senses mean we enjoy the good things in life a little more than the rest of the world. And there’s worse things to be known for than having a kind, sensitive heart.
The key is to accept who you are and own it. Go ahead…leave early, wave instead of “kissing hello” and retreat when you need to. The people who you want to keep in your life will accept you, and the “energy vampires” are best left for someone else to deal with.
For more information on empaths, read “The Empath’s Survival Guide: Life Strategies for Sensitive People” by Judith Orloff.
